Lights

This is it:

I will quit school by next semester.
I will work full time.
I will write music full time.
I will lose my bloody fucking weight.
I will tell her I love her so.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Till then, goodbye and a happy new fucking fucking fucking year.

And I Love Her

and...
I love her.

Every Song

if I could go back there,
I'd take you with me
walking in a new painting
forgetting our homes
and we'd walk it down
together and never
back where we came from
blessing ourselves
with the music I've laced
all coming from the
shadow you left behind.

Hilfe

some say you've lost
your eyes in the new day
some say you've lost
your heart in yesterday
why do I care
you've only cut your hair
but your name's still intact
why would you care
grow, grow, grow
out of yourself
but, what if
you do forget
my name..

I'd probably forgot my own name too...

Endless

let me place
my head of lead
on your soft breasts
to listen to my
heart beating in yours..

Urges of Break

yourself.
an idea to die for.
myself.
an unworthy idea.
why else do I sing of you.
why else do I dream of you.
please enter soon...
i'm losing myself.
conceive defeat
I will never kiss you
at least let someone
enter: a replica of your being.

Sadness.

I am such a liar: I can never face myself anymore...

Crying Out

I am tired and lonely. I'd trade my heart to receive all the comfort from you; to have my head on your lap and you'd see me to sleep for the next one week. And you'd kiss me so that I'd have sweet dreams. Oh God..

How Do Hearts Fly?

how do hearts fly?
and leave one alone
to die.
i'd need to walk
to find it to keep
myself alive.

Rebel Rebel

I can't believe it took me this long to realise it: that was exactly what I was looking for. The understanding. The silence. The 'no mention' I had asked for. How could I have missed it? How could I tailor something over two years and completely forgot what I was sewing. I don't believe it. How do I get back there?

If I were to write it again in line with my discovery:

Hey You,

I lost my heart a million times to the sole dream of just talking to you. Everytime I worry or get upset over my past or present issues I remembered the effect you had on me. And I'd imagine sitting beside you and we'd talk. Then I'd go a lil further and be a lil daring. I'd kiss your neck and tell you I love you cus' that is what I want. To love you. I never could fight the desire to love someone as soft and beautiful as you. After all this years, perhaps, what may seemed as an obssession to everyone else but what I understand to be my plain stubbornness, is the reason why I refused to budge. Could you ever stand knowing that the best there is was just beside you? I never could. Obstinate. Whatever it may be. I'd lose my heart over and over again and I'd fall in love over and over again each time I see you. Even if I were with someone else, I'd know she could never come close to you. I never could say it to you. I lost myself somewhere in the past and the possibility of my heart being stamped on is far too scary. I'd die knowing you never wanted to love me. Even if some may beg to differ.. it already hurt me even before I could even try.. I am afraid. I wish you'd figure it out someday. Miracle is the only way. I hope you'd help me.. I'd have loved you with all I've got.

Cheers,
Me.

Flat Truth

i dream of you everyday.
you keep me alive.
they laugh and probably
think i'm stupid.
but i still dream of you.
you make me happy.
i've never met anyone
as genuine as you are.
i imagine all of your
purity in my heart.
and i'd miss you.
miss every second
we spoke and laughed.
they laugh and probably
think i'm stupid.
but i miss you anyways.
i imagine your love
only love and selflessness.
you would never use me.
you would never fool me.
you would never kill me.
you would never harm me.
you would never tear me.
they laugh and probably
think i'm stupid.
but i know you are
the only one left in this world.
and i'd want you one day
cus i long for someone
as pure and sincere as
you can be.

Countryside Dreaming

in my pain I see you dr. love
everynight it is terribly cold
yearning yearning her skin: white dove!
a smile that kissed my soul
and left me alone to say, ask and live.
who could take such a beauty
so lovely, so dreamy, so lively!
oh... the innocence in those blue eyes
in that voice and you've done it
you trounced me with my desires!
i'd die to put my head on your breasts
in the open field of a countryside
the sunlight a witness of my promise
to hear your heartbeat singing
and forever be free from all miseries
to have your small beautiful hands
in mine and give me the space
to tear and to reveal my soul
and I'd slide my head back
to kiss your neck and breathe
and don't ever wake me up...
cause' that's how I want to die.

Succumbing to The Submarine

I am turning into a post-it man: any passing thoughts will be penciled onto a post-it pad. Otherwise, any passing thoughts will be just any passing thoughts regardless of its importance and significance. I am severely lacking in grasping information and pasting it immediately into the memory bank. I lose it as quickly as I hear it. I am losing my mind. I have to re-strategise. Ich weiss nicht.. wiederholen?

Perhaps not. Yes, strategise.

Ich bin Nasrul

juggler
throwing in the air
all the essentials
and my promises
to myself
my only fear?
to throw all of it
into the dustbin.

Persistance of the Desperate Hearts

how do I serve
an ode to you
when our words
travel almost
never ever
with the help
of the wind
i chant your
name
everynight
hoping it'd
reach you.
-ne-

Beats of Obssession

I could use your presence now. I miss everything about you.

Beauphile

The way it appears in a film - every detail has its purpose in a scene to articulate a message. A purpose on its own and how I identified your purpose in my life. Every invisible move you make are steps towards my wishes whereas every move I make in my head are steps towards getting your steps towards my wishes. Even details we do not see have a purpose: contributing to the outcome of the next scene. I wish nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life and the next scene I hope fate creates for me. Visible versus invisible? Visible plus invisible versus myself.

Unforgiven Beauty

The distraction of the orient is definitely momentary. No amount of faces and souls could replace your beauty. Your beauty, my desire is unforgiven. You shot me down - bullseye in the heart. What could possibly save me unless you remove it yourself, huh?

Confusion

If I could be honest with myself I just want to walk out on this one. I lost faith in being myself around the people I might have to work or live with for another possible decade. Beneath that notion of brotherhood there is actually a cloud of delusion and strong individualistic motives. I have never witnessed or sensed so much doubt in honesty. It simply makes my presence meaningless. It could be the clash of depth of beliefs. While one could simply live on the chunks and crumbs of sexual desires and monetary gains, I could never say to myself that that is all. For what is more important to me more than anything else is the soft kiss between love and honesty. If one could never be humble enough to say so and too arrogant to be or appear weak - then I should walk out. And I am more than convinced on this one.

Geyser

I could be living alone in a forgotten world losing my mind and eating my heart out but deep inside I know I'd only die either missing you or loving you.

My Heart in Your Name

everything about you:
a breathing play of romance
undone my tears of tragedy
dancing in the dark
ruffling my eternal past
evening champagne to celebrate
your presence in my life.

or more about me in your name:
an epic of silent love
ubiquitous hopes
dubbed the hopeless romantic
resigned to the featherless fate
ending my love without a beginning
you are just too beautiful.

-nasrul ekram-

Drugs and Dreams

Synonymous.
You are a drug.
You are my dreams.
My drug is you.
My dreams is you.
And that made me:
Anonymous.
(Even to myself)

-nasrul ekram-

Underneath

imagine her blue eyes
to be the two pools
of eternal love
and i'd be swimming
in it for the rest
of my life.
that is my desire.
my only desire.

SOS, International.

SOS. Save me.
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

References.

You are the Rosaline of my life.
I wished for us to be the Amelie and Quicampoix of life.
I need you to smile like Sabrina of the Larrabee family.
And dream as though you were the Holly Golightly living in my heart.
But we'd be as far as Princess Ann and that loser journalist.
Who can we be, so to dream and convert my chances into our opportunities?
Our dreamy nights witnessing the beauty of fireworks reaching out for the heavens.
My tears in the night, a tear of fear of ever not holding your hands.
What do I do with myself to be lying down in the clouds with the royals of love?
Perhaps I could write a tale or two, atonementesque, just to please my hearts.
Dedicating every second of moving picture to her.
Aye!

Dining in Our Hearts

I'd walk Out
On my own heart
To kiss your
heart and
Hold it
and
die.

Twas' You

An attempt at writing lyrics to a tune I wrote rather recently:

Twas You

broken lights
on and off
torn directions
up and down
my heart crawling
on a circular road
to come across
your blue-laced
white shoes
you
placed your feet
on my heart
transform me
break my past
you
diced yourself
in my mind
freeing me
from my last
you
danced yourself
behind me
forgetting you
saved me
from
her.
it was you.
it was you.
it was you.

Hone

within my heavy soul
a heart, a body of water
your soul floating on it
as a boat of endless love
a weight i willingly took
your soul, my soul
when will it ever be one?
the day our voices dream
of that one song
i'd overspill with love.

Eleanor Whispers

Questions - a breathing part in our bodies residing in the crevices of the skull. Answers - the atoms that form our physical presence in the eyes of the world and forgotten as our very own reflection.

Noir et Bleu

Extraordinary. Every word, every laughter, every scat, everything. Extraordinary. For now I will comfort myself in allowing you to grow within and without your circle. Based on what I have learned I conclude it is smarter to participate after your doors are wide open with edible opportunities. As of now everything is still the fruits of Eden. Yet, extraordinary.

Home to the Dreaming Blue Hearts

I might play every card I have just to admire you from a distance and I'd play my card by the number of months. At least that way you won't know and I won't die. Perhaps, unless you inform me that I ought to evaporate. Unless, you do and sometimes I wish you do. Funny how it works.

Retreat of the Sun

I weigh an infinite pound of love and I still dream of you in my heart; just us under the drunken night skies. When will I live?

Limited Validation

and we could go on a trip
to somewhere to discover
our bodies and soul
take that train to anywhere
who cares where we end up
even if it'd be treacherous
who cares where we end up
i'd kiss your neck while
you have your head out
of that window
to take a peek of what
is inside my mind
who know what you'd see
just love, love, love.
-ne-

Dionysus

And that is the name of our soul. We may naturally differ in our voices and dreams but our soul lives for the same reasons. The celebration of our destruction through the means of self-discovery. The journey into self-exploration has the potential to kill our sanity and we do so willingly in the name of art. The sole purpose of glorifying our lives on tape. The tape that carries the sounds in our hearts. Every night at the corner of the room we deliberately lose our minds to the sounds that surrounds us. Be it the coughing of a passer-by or the drop of the glass in the bar, every sound has a part in this life and our purpose is to record it in our way of interpretation. Even if it means killing ourselves throughout the designing process as long as our soul is there on tape for everyone else to listen to.

Dionysus: the name of our musical union.

Glory

your legs were always spread
open for the world to see
what you could give
so that you could have
everything you'd die for
the food to feed your
empty soul and heart
not ever knowing that
you pawned your integrity
for the love for yourself
though selling yourself
to the forgotten devil
never bothered me
funny what bothers me more
is the simple line that
came to me one fine night
that i hate you.
i hate you.
so much.
and that in itself
is triumph over the past
-ne-

Across the Streets of Impossibilities

I wish to hold your hands and recognise the scent of your neck and that'd be everything I ever needed. That wish will keep me silent my whole life...

Re-design For Life

I am already on my way to rebuilding my life without the once-essential figures: surrounding myself with my own colourful dreams and the people with similar desires. Constantly re-designing myself away from the sadness that resides in my heart. Whatever arrives and departs - nothing will ever change how I truly feel. The sadness that forms the lines on my palm and pulls the smiles away from the sun and resides in my eyes. It will never get out of my skin. The dreams kept me alive in the day and see me through the night. Perhaps the birth of my dreams will bring me out of the past and take me to the corner of my soul. There is a constant need to be in touch with my soft side and take the ways to remedy seriously, more than ever. I have always likened myself to the sounds that Frusciante creates. Exactly the way the heroin mixes with the blood to squeeze my heart bursting into the highest state of elation and freeing my mind to the lost world of comfort.

Dead Possibility

Even if nothing works out I'd always figure something out to take you inside my heart.

and now i know
you are the one i'd die for
after i wasted my years
on someone dead in my heart
someone i hated even with
all the love present in my soul
and you should know
i'd give everything i have
when i promised myself
i'd love you like i never did
anyone else and i'd love
you more than I ever loved her
for the skies in your eye
it resides in the ocean of my heart
-ne-

Song of The Month

There is just me and her - our backs together.

Michelle, my bell.
These are words that go together well,
My Michelle.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
That's all I want to say.
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that
You'll understand.
I need to, I need to, I need to.
I need to make you see,
Oh, what you mean to me.
Until I do I'm hoping you will
Know what I mean.
I want you, I want you, I want you.
I think you know by now
I'll get to you somehow.
Until I do I'm telling you so
You'll understand
Michelle, my bell.
Sont les mots qui vont très bien ensemble,
Très bien ensemble.

Blue Skies in the Night of Troubles

I have been navigating through the past few weeks of ups and downs comfortably on my own except for that one horrible night. I could not circumvent myself out of it and found myself missing her ever so terribly. The tears at the back of my eye dying to reach to the blue skies in the night. Dejected and suffering from that temporary extreme loneliness I turned to myself. Oh how important it is to be able to commune with your heart and soul! I questioned the lack of courage within me and the excessive amount of fear in my voice. What is it about me that could never kiss the blue skies with my heart? As the strangulation of my soul got worse my mind launched an automatic reminiscence of dining with the breathing beauty. Oh I would have travelled there all the way just to hug her and cry on her shoulders and thank her for existing. After a hectic night I was almost desperate for a cup of chai laced with the joys of love. I had my comfort zone set up and received an unexpected message from her! Yes! Why is it that she could appear at the right time all the time? Why is it that those words mean the world to me? How does she time her appearance? How does she do it? Yes, yes a coincidence all the time but afterawhile I fall in love... I do. If to err is human, then to love is to err. Or is it not?

Red and Orange and Splashes of Blue

George divorced her for Eric's benefit. If he could swallow the bitterest pill of that time so can I at any time of my life. I could sell myself to misery in the clouds of psychedelia and free love. I could and I did.

Ignoramus

My heart is made out of paper. It was an opponent of many things: water, scissors, shoes, etc. Anything that could disfigure my heart. Against the black screen my paper-heart as small as my esteem can be is pumping with love. A love that flows out of it and glued to it never flowing out in search of anybody. I was standing beside my heart and looked at it wondering if it will ever be kissed and converted into a pound of meat. Bleeding meat. If it ever will..

Shoulder

The rain fell on me. It was just me in the field - green of mellow and love. It was comfortably cold and there was Beach Boys' 'Don't Talk' in the distance. How ironic. In the presence of such beauty, it is wise not to talk. I choose to keep my mouth shut and admire the beauty that is here to stay. The rain allowed me to throw my watch and forget time. I threw it into the sky so high it never came back down - pretty uncanny to the love I'd give and nothing ever came back. I would not take another step to jeopardise my sanity and fall in love with beauty the way I used to. I'd do this now: let the rain to fall on me and sit in the field all by myself and listen to the melodic sounds of love. Who knows someone might drop by and pass me a new record or even bring me latte and make love in the fields.

Chandelier of Hope

It was just me, the boat and the stars.
The zephyr was singing "If I Fell".
And the night never moved beyond my happiness...

Losing

It was the biggest mirror - completely opposite of the value of my existence. for the past few years I had mentioned this under my breath: it was her fault. Her fault in diminishing my significance. And I stood in front of this mirror for my night-shave. How funny it seems that my reflection is magnified by a few times as though I was looking down on myself. I applied the shaving cream on my face and spread it carefully. I took one stroke and another and another and another. Usually I never went beyond three strokes but this time it is an exception and it never bothered me. I continued to shave and took my strokes swift but gently. My beard seems to resemble the locks of Claudia. The amount of hair that was accumulating at my feet has now risen to knee level. Where did I go wrong? Are there just things in life I'd never know?

Infidelity

The tears of yesterday resonate in the broken white walls. A strong air of delightful gloom. A satisfied disappointment singing off the floors of beaten love. A revisitation of the days turned away by jadedness of the real world: the world of insincerity and the dying selflessness. She was against the wall standing naked. Her pale white skin with blotches of red seeking comfort out of the white walls. I stood at the door wondering if I should take myself on another trip of self-destruction. I walked over to her. With her eyes closed, I bent down just enough and sucked on her right nipple like a baby boy, for all the warmth I needed and everything that could keep me alive, she could not provide me anymore with this. I stepped back and reminded myself the very fact I kept avoiding, "While it lasted, you've always tasted good. Other than that you were nothing more than everyone else's momentary desire for the skin.". And I left the room with Rhett's words in my hands, "Frankly, dear, I don't give a damn.".

Estate

And she was the one: her eyes is an art of the endless skies. All the ugliness on Earth - babies that lives to see death in matter of days or most of the time, quite immediately; women getting raped in a backward unjustifiable patriarchal society; men getting pulled away in an extreme case of desperation and ignorance to have their bodies scattered around the world; organisations testing drugs on souls to generate billions of dollar - and all the ugliness in this world is not able to break open the skies. And as I said she was the one. Her father needed her married off as soon as possible before he reaches his expiry date. He is a man of massive fortune. We were to embrace his bequeathment.

And he came to my place with a torch of love by his side and asked me quite instantly, "I need you to marry my daughter but I need you to prove to me why I should not consider any other candidates.". I took a white canvas as large as my living room floor and lay it beautifully and it resembled the light of her beauty. I stood on a stool and unzipped my pants. I looked at her and she nodded to give me that long-awaited green light. I started urinating on the canvas. It was golden and like a waterfall, it dropped onto the canvas endlessly. I snatched a look at the old man. He gave me his smiles.